well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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