You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
