Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
