Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Terrible idea I love it
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
