So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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