My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I have demons in me.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
The best revenge is premature balding
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
