Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
