I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
