i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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