I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
