I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
you will always have a special place in my vag
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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