she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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