Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
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Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
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I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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