Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Randomize
