At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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