I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
