I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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