hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
True strength comes from lack of pants
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
