Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
