My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
