WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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