It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
