I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
