Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just made out with a guy for $7.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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