I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
