so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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