Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
