When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
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