I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
