Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
