I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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