She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
