i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
