I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
