He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
