haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Randomize
