Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
