The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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