I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Randomize
