I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
