sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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