yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
