Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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