you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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