I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
