Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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