I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
