So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
