dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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