She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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