I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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