clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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