Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
