1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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