my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
