I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
