im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
