I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks