Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
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and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
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Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...