How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.