Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now