u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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