Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
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I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
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she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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